Before we go into another aspect recorded in Mahopadesam, it is necessary to remind ourselves that the incessant interrogation regarding Mother's mystery can never be complete or comprehensive. In the very nature of things, the colossal range of her advent, her life, her words, are huge terrains, the tips of which alone one glimpses. (That too, if She decides, such a thing is needed.)


This explains repetitions in our contemplation. We come back to the same words, same events again and again but find fresh facets of meaning. The Colours of words change, the structure of events acquire new contours. Above all, the simplest things appear awesome. As our scriptures say we see with wonder, hear with wonder and the wonder, after some time, dissolves into vibrant silence. As the Narada Bhakti Sutras say “yat jnatva matto bhavati stabdho bhavati athmaramo bhavati:” with a realization of spiritual devotion one becomes spiritually intoxicated, one becomes overwhelmed; one comes to rejoice in the Self"


Towards this end, contemplation in any form, in any context is sure to enrich, nourish and nurture our seed of love for Mother. But the road map of contemplation has many blocks, many speed breakers which are risky and make us quite often trip and get trapped. Even when Amma states plain and simply who she is, the words slip through like water in or through a sieve. "The saying of Truth, or the radiant darshan she graced with - in such contexts the dormant awareness (of Rajamma) becomes ignited. The light that emanates from Amma and dazzles her becomes evident. Rajamma is intoxicated with joy. Tears of joy continue to be shed. But what is the use. In no time clouds of cosmic illusion cover them up. Rajamma remembers only (what she regards as a fact) of herself being the guru. She then gets on to a pedestal, assumes the lotus posture and sits."


Then we get a pertinent but somewhat anomalous question. Rajamma asks: “Mother” Tell your true state of being (consciousness) from your childhood." Pat comes Amma's answer: lf i had to tell the truth of my being, I will not remain here this long. In short, the Truth about Amma can hardly be revealed - like a straight-jacket answer to a question. Questions put by Rajamma to Amma particularly about revealing herself and the nature of that revelation can never have any answers. They cannot be verbalizer.


As the author, Vasundhara says: "yes: If Rajamma puts (such a question) even after witnessing so many incidents, and gaining so much experience, it can only mean that like a sesame seed on a mirror, everything has vanished behind a curtain. Amma does not have the habit of making anything articulate in and available through words - through speech. Amma's tendency, her intention is to evoke through signs, through indirection. She communicates and has no manner no distinct mode of communication."


Let us pause here and look at this phenomenon. How does one communicate? By, words, by gestures. To speak you require speech. To express something without speech requires, perhaps, body language" - its gestures, its positioning in space and many such related aspects. That is why, the author Vasundhara says one word is enough. For that such lengthy conversation and so much time are not needed."


But then why does Mother, with such compassion, talk for considerable time and at such length “answer" the questions? Modern researches into the role of speech reveal one important thing. It is the fact that some areas of consciousness are receptive to comprehending a speech and its depth meanings without even understanding the words. For instance, music can be enjoyed without knowing its technicalities, indeed. even if it is in a language other than the mother tongue. In other words, when words are spoken (particularly in the area of spirituality) by the Realized one, they are no longer verbal signs, but energisers which activate the deeper levels of awareness - Awareness that something is being experienced beyond words and their meaning. If a child is put to sleep by a lullaby not one word of which the child knows, then the Divine Mother can immeasurably deepen and intensify areas of awareness which are beyond words. This is, perhaps, what T.S.Eliot called the auditory imagination", the feeling for feeling and syllable and rhythm" which penetrates the conscious levels of our being and brings something back to the surface. And that is awareness which exists in itself, .delights in itself and is self-effulgent. The sound of Mothers words constitute Nada Brahma


If all this is complex, one can look at our own experience of using words for communication. Often we do not mean want we say. Social propriety requires us to contextualise the meaning of words which, in many ways, the speaker does not intend. (A good example is introducing dignitaries in a public function attributing non-existing qualities to those on the dais. They are taken for granted and hardly expected to be the truth).


But then, in absorbing Mother into our being, words play also on the rich semantic qualities and possibilities inherent in language itself. This is particularly significant in spiritual texts which are dialogues. They are narratives which play on words and which thrive on the deliberate omission of connecting links. They also make use of symbols. (cf. the cloud of Maya" used by Mother). Here these are verbal signs which evoke symbolic effects.


One of the most celebrated post-modernists, Jacques Lacan, sees this quality as comparable to the literary expressive mode called dhvani. He notes the paradox that when a patient goes to a psychoanalyst, and tells him his/her problems which he or she cannot tell others in most cases the problems do not exist. For instance, as Sri Ramakrishna says, when a tiger appears in a dream, our heart beat rises and we come off with fear, sweating all over. It is a dream tiger but our fear and heart beat are not unreal. We actually experience them. In other words, the psychoanalyst makes use of a dream experience to cure the patient of his neurosis. If as Lacan says, "an analyst can play on the power of symbols by evoking them in a calculated fashion in the semantic resonances of his remarks" he is actually pressing into service the potentialities of dhvani_implicit in both word and symbol.



What is dhvani"? We can define it, says Lacan, as the property of speech by which it conveys what it does not of mind is like that of a child who engrossed in a play with friends, is being brought indoors by the mother forcefully. Though the child is obeying the mother, yet it is mentally with the friends outside, who are still enjoying the game. Sincerely, though your parents brought you back to Delhi, your mind is with Amma, making you feel miserable". How appropriate is the simili in my case!


As I have mentioned above all the while I was hearing the chanting in the flowing water, boiling rice. chirping of birds and in my inner self constantly there was a buzz in the ear saying Amma, Amma, Amma. With this state of mind I became terribly restless and pathetic, Several times I requested my father to allow me to go over to Amma for a while and activate my battery cells of the soul. As a parent, he had his own apprehensions, perhaps he might have thought that I may settle down there permanently, so he was postponing my trip and at times he used to be very harsh. Thus, the days were passing away with a combination of happy and unhappy events, To my solace and consolation, several visions that Amma granted me were tonic to my body and soul. A couple of them, which are fresh and green in my memory, are here. On a summer evening, after coming back from office, I was sitting in the Lawn. With half closed eyes, mentally I was away at Amma's Lotus Feet. What did I see in that semi-conscious state? There was a very big dais decorated with flowers and leaves and in a beautiful swing Amma was sitting bejewelled and hnely clothed. Many brothers and sisters were worshipping Her with flowers, Sandalwood, grass, leaves and paddy. I was standing at a distance with an yearning that I too should be given a chance to worship Amma like the others, but I had no flowers nor any other ingredients, but in the meantime Amma climbed down from the swing and came to me, placed some flowers in my palms stood before me and said, come on worship to your hearths content'. 'was so happy that along with flowers I mingled the tears of my happiness and worshipped the Holy Feet of Amma while I was still under the influence of Amma's grace. my dream or my vision, whatever you may call it, was evaporated with the ringing of the telephone and thus I was brought back to the routine. But this vision persisted for quite some time and made me normal till that picture continued.


I had a peculiar dream overnight. That night I could not sleep for a long time. At last after turning and tossing for quite some time, Goddess of sleep took pity on me and I fell into a deep slumber. The dream was very funny and l could interpret it only that Amma was with me in all my tribulations and suffering. My father, I and a family friend of ours were walking through a dense forest, suddenly a dog and her puppy were chasing us. The puppy caught hold of my saree end and pulled me down. Losing my balance I fell on the puppy, the dog thought that I was harming its puppy. It pounced upon me and slit my back into two pieces, blood was flowing from the wounds. I was shouting 'Amma. I am coming to you, give me, shelter'. Amma stretched Her hands, and uttered the words, (I will take you into me receiving you from the human and animal torture) With a startup, the effect of the dream was terrible. My throat parched and my limbs became lifeless. For a few minutes, I was blank. After that l could not get sleep and was trying to analyse the dream, came to the conclusion that, Amma, through this dream, had assured me that She is with me through my this and thin and I need not worry about my life hereafter.


- Jayaho Matha –


Matrusri Monthly Journal (English)| 2007, |